I said That?!
One of the many opportunities I’ve had brought to my attention is the opportunity to listen to my own words. Whether I’m speaking to a friend, telling a story, writing in my journal or blog; I don’t often pay attention to what I’m saying. Even as I write this I think, “Really? I don’t listen to my self? I wonder why not?”
What do I mean by, “I don’t listen to my own words?” I’m not speaking of a physical disconnection or inability to hear. I physically hear my words being vocalized when I speak. I ‘hear’ my thoughts in my head as I write. I see my words on the page or computer screen. I know I love to talk and tell stories and I enjoy being the center of attention from time to time. There are, however, many times I have had my own words come back to me in a light or circumstance that I hadn’t heard them in previously.
I’d like to share with you a couple of examples of how I don’t listen to what I say.
About a year ago I began looking into making short films. This is a medium which I love to watch, but have never bothered to communicate through. For my background I have a degree in Music Performance and I spend much of my time working in theatre either as a music director or soundscape designer. So I really wanted to expand my palette for artistic creativity. Almost instantly after I decided I wanted to make movies I came to the first hurdle. I had no story to tell. I could’t think of a single subject that I could make a story out of. I only needed a page or two of story to make a film (many of the scripts I have seen are 3 to 5 pages in length), but I couldn’t think of any thing to say.
About two weeks after ‘starting’ this endeavor I went on a Personal Development retreat where I spent 7 days looking into my self and getting accountable. One of the exercises we did was a guided meditation. It was through this meditation that I had one of the most incredible experiences and came to a profound realization about who I am. I wanted to share this experience with the group and so I told everyone the ‘story’ that I took part in during the meditation. It took about 5 minutes to get through all of the details of my experience and when I had finished a young lady turned to me and said, “You should make a little movie about that.”
I was absolutely shocked! I sat there stunned right to the very core of my being. I had that story and I didn’t even think to use it as the basis for a movie. It never entered my mind. I experienced the story in my imagination, I then told the story to a group and at no point did I think to make a production out of it.
I don’t consider what I say important enough to listen to.
Often I talk with others, tell stories, listen to their stories and often ask question or through intuition illuminate possibilities. I rarely listen to my own words though. This deck project has shown me that what I have to say is just as important for me to hear as it is for the people I am telling it to.. An example of this is illustrated in the following story.
I was speaking with a friend who indicated that he liked to help out others with whatever the other needed, but would never call on anyone to help him. He is more that willing to do for others, but not have others do for him. I asked, “What is this one-sided behavior was about? What is it about doing for others he ‘liked’?” He replied it made him feel good, useful, and a ream of other, similar, emotions. So I asked, “Are you aware then that by not allowing others to assist you that you are denying them the similar good feelings?”
I did not hear these words or how they applied to me when I spoke them, however I now recognize that without the help of others that I could not complete my deck. If I hadn’t asked for other people’s assistance I would have denied them the same feelings that I get when I assist another.
Why don’t you want our help?
So I hear you asking, “Jevon, why on earth would you not ask others for help?” In the answer to this there are several reasons I would not ask for assistance.
1) If I were to ask friends or neighbors for help that they would feel obligated to help me, but wouldn’t really want to help.
2) It would take longer as I would have to communicate to others what I want in a way that they would understand it.
3) I would have to lead the team.
As far as reason number 1 goes it never entered my mind that my friends, family and neighbors would/could enjoy my company and that they would want to be part of my project. I never thought that they would have fun building something that they could take pride in and when the come over for dinner say “I helped put that together”.
I don’t want to have to explain how to do something to another because that takes time and it would be faster to do it my self (As I wrote that line that no longer feels true for me, but that was once the truth of how I view asking for assistance). The crux of reason number 2 is that I would have to be an effective communicator to convey exactly what I want to another so that they understand and can produce it the way I want it. Ultimately it means I would have to ask for what I want and believe that I deserve to get what I want. If I don’t believe I deserve to get what I want or I don’t deserve the assistance to get what I want then asking for help is the last thing I would think to do or want to do.
Connected with number 2 is number 3. I would have to lead. Leading is a ‘risky’ place to be. It means being visible, accountable, vulnerable, exposed. However as the axiom goes, “Nothing Ventured…Nothing Gained.”
What are the results of me not willing to lead in this example? By avoiding leading I would have do the work my self. It would take longer and it would not have been done as well, however there are further consequences that would be incurred by me not leading and communicating. Many of the people I had help me have never built a deck before, where I have assisted on decks. It was that experience of assisting my father in building his deck that gave me the skills and confidence to build my own deck. If my father had not taken the time to explain to me and educate me then I would not be as effective as a home maintenance guy. By not leading and sharing my Vision, desire, skills and knowledge I would deny those who wanted to work with me the education, the experience and the opportunity to broaden their skill base.
If i did not lead a team on this project I would have also missed out on my learning from them and their expertise which they had to share. I would lose the opportunity to practice communicating and loose the opportunity to build community with my friends and neighbors. While it may feel like it takes a little longer to explain, educate and bring others along on my journey, without practice I will never be any good at it, however with practice, explaining and educating, will also become easier and take less time. I have a stone plaque which reminds me “Everything is hard before it becomes easy.”
What am I taking away from this?
From all of this experience (Talking to people, building the deck and the writing this article) I’m clearer on the opportunity at hand. The general jist of that being listening to what I say. It seems like I might have some value to offer myself with my own insights. I have stories that are worth sharing, and if the saying “Practice what you preach” holds any validity then I should start practicing a little more often.
However that is not all i’m leaving with. By working through the example of asking for help when I needed it I have more clarity about the what some of the potential losses would have been if I had not asked my friends for help. Also I have a sense of what I would not have in my life if I had not been asked for or allowed to help others. More over I got to spend a great deal of time with some of my friends and really get to know them. And, as a result of asking for help, I got the chance to practice my communication, my patients, and many other skills that are required if I am ever to lead.
Finally I would like to say thank you! Thank you to all of those who assisted me in constructing my new Deck. Those who gave their skills, efforts and time so that I could learn more of this lesson. I am forever grateful for the opportunity.
Walk in Peace,
Warrior Jevon: In-Service
) I met some new friends, some old friends and some parts of my self that I didn’t know were friends.
