The Warriors Voice

I said That?!
One of the many opportunities I’ve had brought to my attention is the opportunity to listen to my own words. Whether I’m speaking to a friend, telling a story, writing in my journal or blog; I don’t often pay attention to what I’m saying. Even as I write this I think, “Really? I don’t listen to my self? I wonder why not?”

What do I mean by, “I don’t listen to my own words?” I’m not speaking of a physical disconnection or inability to hear. I physically hear my words being vocalized when I speak. I ‘hear’ my thoughts in my head as I write. I see my words on the page or computer screen. I know I love to talk and tell stories and I enjoy being the center of attention from time to time. There are, however, many times I have had my own words come back to me in a light or circumstance that I hadn’t heard them in previously.

I’d like to share with you a couple of examples of how I don’t listen to what I say.

About a year ago I began looking into making short films. This is a medium which I love to watch, but have never bothered to communicate through. For my background I have a degree in Music Performance and I spend much of my time working in theatre either as a music director or soundscape designer. So I really wanted to expand my palette for artistic creativity. Almost instantly after I decided I wanted to make movies I came to the first hurdle. I had no story to tell. I could’t think of a single subject that I could make a story out of. I only needed a page or two of story to make a film (many of the scripts I have seen are 3 to 5 pages in length), but I couldn’t think of any thing to say.

About two weeks after ‘starting’ this endeavor I went on a Personal Development retreat where I spent 7 days looking into my self and getting accountable. One of the exercises we did was a guided meditation. It was through this meditation that I had one of the most incredible experiences and came to a profound realization about who I am. I wanted to share this experience with the group and so I told everyone the ‘story’ that I took part in during the meditation. It took about 5 minutes to get through all of the details of my experience and when I had finished a young lady turned to me and said, “You should make a little movie about that.”

I was absolutely shocked! I sat there stunned right to the very core of my being. I had that story and I didn’t even think to use it as the basis for a movie. It never entered my mind. I experienced the story in my imagination, I then told the story to a group and at no point did I think to make a production out of it.

I don’t consider what I say important enough to listen to.

Often I talk with others, tell stories, listen to their stories and often ask question or through intuition illuminate possibilities. I rarely listen to my own words though. This deck project has shown me that what I have to say is just as important for me to hear as it is for the people I am telling it to.. An example of this is illustrated in the following story.

I was speaking with a friend who indicated that he liked to help out others with whatever the other needed, but would never call on anyone to help him. He is more that willing to do for others, but not have others do for him. I asked, “What is this one-sided behavior was about? What is it about doing for others he ‘liked’?” He replied it made him feel good, useful, and a ream of other, similar, emotions. So I asked, “Are you aware then that by not allowing others to assist you that you are denying them the similar good feelings?”

I did not hear these words or how they applied to me when I spoke them, however I now recognize that without the help of others that I could not complete my deck. If I hadn’t asked for other people’s assistance I would have denied them the same feelings that I get when I assist another.

Why don’t you want our help?

So I hear you asking, “Jevon, why on earth would you not ask others for help?” In the answer to this there are several reasons I would not ask for assistance.
1) If I were to ask friends or neighbors for help that they would feel obligated to help me, but wouldn’t really want to help.

2) It would take longer as I would have to communicate to others what I want in a way that they would understand it.

3) I would have to lead the team.

As far as reason number 1 goes it never entered my mind that my friends, family and neighbors would/could enjoy my company and that they would want to be part of my project. I never thought that they would have fun building something that they could take pride in and when the come over for dinner say “I helped put that together”.

I don’t want to have to explain how to do something to another because that takes time and it would be faster to do it my self (As I wrote that line that no longer feels true for me, but that was once the truth of how I view asking for assistance). The crux of reason number 2 is that I would have to be an effective communicator to convey exactly what I want to another so that they understand and can produce it the way I want it. Ultimately it means I would have to ask for what I want and believe that I deserve to get what I want. If I don’t believe I deserve to get what I want or I don’t deserve the assistance to get what I want then asking for help is the last thing I would think to do or want to do.

Connected with number 2 is number 3. I would have to lead. Leading is a ‘risky’ place to be. It means being visible, accountable, vulnerable, exposed. However as the axiom goes, “Nothing Ventured…Nothing Gained.”
What are the results of me not willing to lead in this example? By avoiding leading I would have do the work my self. It would take longer and it would not have been done as well, however there are further consequences that would be incurred by me not leading and communicating. Many of the people I had help me have never built a deck before, where I have assisted on decks. It was that experience of assisting my father in building his deck that gave me the skills and confidence to build my own deck. If my father had not taken the time to explain to me and educate me then I would not be as effective as a home maintenance guy. By not leading and sharing my Vision, desire, skills and knowledge I would deny those who wanted to work with me the education, the experience and the opportunity to broaden their skill base.

If i did not lead a team on this project I would have also missed out on my learning from them and their expertise which they had to share. I would lose the opportunity to practice communicating and loose the opportunity to build community with my friends and neighbors. While it may feel like it takes a little longer to explain, educate and bring others along on my journey, without practice I will never be any good at it, however with practice, explaining and educating, will also become easier and take less time. I have a stone plaque which reminds me “Everything is hard before it becomes easy.”

What am I taking away from this?

From all of this experience (Talking to people, building the deck and the writing this article) I’m clearer on the opportunity at hand. The general jist of that being listening to what I say. It seems like I might have some value to offer myself with my own insights. I have stories that are worth sharing, and if the saying “Practice what you preach” holds any validity then I should start practicing a little more often.

However that is not all i’m leaving with. By working through the example of asking for help when I needed it I have more clarity about the what some of the potential losses would have been if I had not asked my friends for help. Also I have a sense of what I would not have in my life if I had not been asked for or allowed to help others. More over I got to spend a great deal of time with some of my friends and really get to know them. And, as a result of asking for help, I got the chance to practice my communication, my patients, and many other skills that are required if I am ever to lead.

Finally I would like to say thank you! Thank you to all of those who assisted me in constructing my new Deck. Those who gave their skills, efforts and time so that I could learn more of this lesson. I am forever grateful for the opportunity.

Walk in Peace,

Warrior Jevon: In-Service

Over the past couple of months I have been building a new deck. I spent the past 3 years designing and planning this deck and it is now finally becoming a reality. This is a really exciting for me, however, the deck is not coming to reality as I always envisioned it would.  I don’t find it that shocking, that the construction of my deck is not happening exactly as I dreamed, after all,  who sits and thinks, “When I set my posts in concrete it will take 10 hours to do because of the fussy nature of concrete, or because it’s going to take longer to get the cement mixer due to traffic that day.” I call these “Speed Bumps” as they reduce my working speed and appear to reduce productivity. These ‘speed bumps’ vary in size from the small where it takes an extra two minutes to find a viable solution, but they can also be quite large and cripple productivity.  With previous projects which I have done around my house: building a shed, making shelves for the garage, making a lumber rack for the garage, installing a central vacuum, renovating the basement or renovating Tarra’s and my bedroom I have barely noticed these speed bumps, and if they have occurred I would usually just bear down and muscle through them and not pay them any mind. Throughout this Deck project I have faced many of these speed bumps, both big and not so big, I have questioned my abilities to execute the tasks at hand and I have questioned whether or not I’m qualified to be building a deck at all.  At times this deck project has appeared damn near impossible to complete with any level of quality or craftsmanship, and there were times when I was paralyzed with fear and unable to do any work on the deck at all.  The biggest difference between this project and all of my previous projects is that I am being more conscious about these speed bumps, and rather than just plowing through them I am taking the time to slow down and be curious about them.  The new ‘conscious’ behavior is resulting in a far better/nicer end product than I have previously achieved, and is also producing a deck which I can be proud of.

The Mind Set

The difference in how I am approaching this project from my previous efforts is partly my mind-set of how I am choosing to approach life.  In my day job I’m a software developer/manager of software maintenance.  I work with clients to create tools that will ease their burden and allow them to be more productive.  I mention this because one of my clients has chosen to ‘reframe’ the word issue to the word opportunity.  This client doesn’t have issues or problems that impede them or hold them back. They have opportunities to learn, grow and enlarge their experience of doing business. I’m following this client’s example choosing to reframe my perception of the speed bumps in a similar way.  If I run into an experience which does challenge me, I’m looking to choose my response to it rather than just reacting (as I normally would). The deck project is proving no end of opportunities to do just that.  Each time that a ‘challenge’ rises, it brings with it Opportunity.  The opportunity to look at:

what the task means to me, or is symbolic of, in my life

how I am approaching the task and re-evaluating my approach

how I feel at that moment and getting accountable with that feeling

Any one of these paths, if followed, will lead me to a belief that I have and provide the entry point which can lead to real change in my life.

Belief: The Mother of All Challenges

We all have beliefs.  Belief is as follows: A Thought + A Feeling + An experience (or picture) come together to create a belief. This belief is handed to the subconscious and we continue with our lives mostly unaware of the belief’s existence.  We live unaware of many, if not all, of the beliefs we carry with us and yet these beliefs can, and usually do, influence almost every decision we make and they tint or color how we view the world.  Some of these beliefs are supportive and assist us, and some of these beliefs limit us.  For your own reference think of an area in your life (i.e. money, relationship, career, health) that just works.  You don’t even think about this area it just happens.  In that area your beliefs are supporting you.  Now think about an area where you have to work at it almost continuously and you are challenged regularly.  In that area your beliefs do not support you and are limiting your life.

Time for an Analogy:

It might be easier to understand if I use one of my analogies. A Belief is like a bicycle. (Just go with me on this one) When I first learned to ride I started on a small bike that I could physically manage and that would allow me to learn how to balance and control my body and bike. This bike supported me as I learned to ride and through riding I gained wisdom and experience about cycling.

Then as I grew physically, as I grew more confident and gained skill the bike began to not support my riding. It was too small and my knees kept hitting the handle bars, I couldn’t go as fast as I wanted and it was hard to ride. This bike limited me from growing beyond my current experience. When I got a new bike to ride on it took a little adjustment, but ultimately allowed me to ride easier and more efficiently.

In many cases in my life, when I identify one of my own ‘limiting beliefs, I find that it once supported and was not limiting to me. Now through the experiences I have had with that belief and changes I have made in my life I wish to expand beyond my current experience, however this belief won’t allow me to grow beyond it (just like a little bike) and thus it is limiting my growth.

So what can we do with limiting beliefs?  First we have to identify them, and that means bringing the belief from the subconscious to our conscious mind. Once we are consciously aware of a belief we can then make a choice, a conscious choice, on what we would like to do with it.

The Challenge in Front of You is There for a Reason: Bringing it all Together

So I hear you asking, “Well if I’m not aware of these beliefs then how do I become aware of these beliefs?”

When we clearly set an intention for what we want in our lives, or how we want to be in our lives, we call forward (from our sub-conscious) anything that would prevent us from having that which we want. For example if I state “I will have greater financial wealth and that within 5 years I will have a 6 figure income” I have set an intention for how I want be in this world.  However, if I have a belief which would prevent that intention like “Money is the Root of all evil” then my beliefs are at odds with my Intention. This belief will have me subconsciously undermining every thing I would do to make my intention a reality. This undermining will show up in different ways, but almost all of them I would perceive consciously as a challenge or speed bump.

In this respect my Beliefs are the Mother of my challenges. Specifically any belief that would limit me from achieving what I would like to achieve will bring forward a challenge for me to face, and by facing each challenge I find the opportunity to learn and grow into a new understanding with a new supportive belief.

Enough Theory…What Am I Really Talking About?

One of the first speed bumps I experienced on this deck was (in my recollection) the largest of all.  It was during the task of digging out the holes where I would pour the footings for the foundation of the deck.

Firstly this deck was going to be ‘fairly large’ (nearly 20’ by 30’) and required 22 footings at 3.5’ feet deep and 8 inches in diameter.  You may be asking yourself, “Really?  That many footings?”  It is more than twice the number of footings required on a deck this size, but my deck was being constructed to hold a hot tub which weighs 7000 pounds when it’s full of water and people, so I designed the deck to support the load and thus 22 footings.

I had gotten about 3 of the holes dug the previous day, and was preparing to get going that morning, and I found I couldn’t step out of my house.  I was nearly paralyzed with fear.  I could move around my house, but I couldn’t step out into my back yard.  As I said above, some of my speed bumps crippled productivity.  I had no conscious knowledge of what was preventing me.  I knew I was ‘freaked out’ and fearful, and I could list a dozen reasons that might be causing this anxiety.  Reasons like if I get this wrong the whole project goes to pot.  If the project goes to pot then this is a waste of thousands of dollars.  However all of these reasons were thoughts and not feelings, and I was also looking to an external cause of my anxiety rather than internally for a belief.

It took talking with 4 different people to assist me in working through to the belief of “I don’t deserve to be supported.”  It is no coincidence that working on a foundation, which will provide support for the structure that is placed on it, is the task that stopped me and allowed me to see clearly the belief that “I don’t deserve to be supported.”  I invite you to ask yourself this question, “How does a person who believes that they do not deserve to be supported see the world?”  Essentially I could move around my old familiar ‘smaller’ world (my house) easily, but when I came to creating a larger space (larger area of influence) I was not able to move forward and thus the belief limited me.

Once I was conscious of this belief I could then make a choice as to what I want instead of the old belief.  I chose a new belief that would support me and my expansion into a larger world.

To Sum Up:

So the choice to build a deck, which required a larger foundation, brought forward the challenge/ speed bump, which in turn brought forward the opportunity to clearly see a belief that was limiting me – and the opportunity to choose a new belief.  This is what I mean when I say, “The Challenge in front of you is there for a reason.”  With this deck project, the choice I made to slow down and look at the challenges as opportunities has made this project one of the best personal development experiences of my life.  I know that these opportunities have been there all along in every other project I have done, but by muscling through those challenges I was not able to access the opportunities.

Walk in Peace,

Warrior Jevon: In-Service

This past couple of months has seen me and Tarra (my partner and spouse) creating a new back deck. When we bought the house a few years ago we knew that the existing deck was not long for this world as it had not been well constructed or maintained. The old deck served us for 3 years. We spent many summer evenings eating dinner on it, bar-b-queuing all year round, having breakfast on the weekends when the weather allowed. However the thought that this deck might fall apart at any moment kept me focused on replacing it with something that would serve us better.

Like an athlete preparing for the Olympics I spent 3 years designing and re-designing a new deck. I came up with ideas, threw ideas away and came to new ideas. I researched and planned for the construction of the deck, looked at building supplies and solutions, and did my very best to be as prepared as I could. I wanted to be ready to go when the opportunity came. Finally we came to the place where we could financially afford a new deck and my excitement rose. This summer was going to be the summer that I took on a large scale construction and showed my skills and what I was made of. I finalized my plans, shopped around for where I would buy my lumber and supplies and did the final prep for the main event.

Finally the beginning of the project arrived. The destruction of the old deck. I had many friends come over and help tear it apart and we all had a good time doing it. After a ‘lengthy’ day of shovels, sledge hammers and chainsaws we got it done! I had a huge open space in my yard and it was begging to be filled with a new Deck. Little did I know that this was just beginning and the road was about to get very rough.

At the start of this project I was full of excitement and wanted to get started on building stuff, but that quickly faded as I came face to face with some of the toughest challenges I have ever had. It was working through these ‘challenges’ or opportunities where I found the greatest rewards in creating a big deck. Here are eleven things that I learned through building a new deck.

1. The challenge that is in front of you is there for a reason
2. I should listen to what I say
3. Creating a new foundation is sometimes necessary and can be scary as hell
4. Having a Wellness Team is probably more of a necessity than it is a luxury
5. Learn how to ask for help and accept it in the form that it arrives in
6. Just because the results are not plainly visible does not mean that a lot of important work hasn’t been accomplished
7. If it’s no longer fun you should take a break
8. Think about the materials you are using/going to use when making measurements
9. Just because you can do it your self doesn’t mean you have to and just because you can hire someone else to do it doesn’t mean you should.
10. Are we humans or ugly bags of mostly water
11. A change is as good as a holiday…are you sure?

Over the next while I will be writing in detail about these items. I will talk about the experiences I had which brought these opportunities/challenges to light, how I felt about them when I was in it and where I am with them now.

Walk in Peace,

Warrior Jevon: In-Service